Jobless husband diaries!!
Here are some guidelines for unemployed husbands with working wives., when you read through with an open mind, you would see it’s not she looking down on you, it’s just you being smart to be able to have your sanity and getting some advantages while praying for a change.. Hang in there guys, you are not alone, tables turn… you would be fine.
1 – Never discuss your predicament beyond the normal and never show weakness in front of your wife.. “she dont want to see hopelessness”..
2 – buy a lot of noodles, you would be needing it a lot, especially during your strong head periods, you dont win most fights, most fights end with “Oya buy it naa” that’s usually when you add the convo to your lost battles ..
3 – your meals majorly come in two options if any
Rice or noodles?
Beans or noodles?
Eba or noodles?
Semo or pounds is too stressful, dont opt to make … stress was only the surface reason given to you..
4 – sex is usually delayed, when ever you see one just accept and be ready for maybe max two position change, some styles may be banned..
5 – dont come home drunk, I repeat.. dont come home drunk..you remember the pictures of samloco playing “jobless old drunk” in movie scenes… you look exactly like them to her..
6 – some eatable and chewy chewy groceries stops being in the fridge because you are home most-times and eats to chase boredom.. there is always a secret stash in her room for groundnuts, sharp biscuits, cashew nuts, sweets, etc.. she knows you know, take reasonably
7 – you are at your lowest, dont bring friends doing well too close home, otherwise you might get depressed from comparison
8 – in your many many ideas, you know broke guys reason business ideas like Warren buffet , always sieve out the good ones, because telling her some kind stupid stupid ideas would make you look jobless and stupid also.
9 – the best way to dodge Bill’s is to watch your words, avoid some topics, you need to be one step or two ahead everytime.. e.g TV shows, movies, food, clubs etc…
– TV shows – dstv bill comes up
– Movies – cinema bill comes up
– Food – restaurant and taking out comes up..
10 – Do house chores, pick mopping… it’s easier, you only start when she is done sweeping and dusting, she goes to bath, you zig-zag and get back to watching (how do they do it) … use water, avoid bubbles on tiles.. you would redo that work even if its next week..
11 – dont leave the sink messy, especially on work days when you are home job hunting and she is out hustling, bro it’s an important rule from a man to a man..
12 – with your many insecurities and the devil trying to use you to bring out your alpha Male, pick your fights… yes they would come, but there is an extent to which a broke man fights and argues..
13 – you would owe her cash a lot, she knows deep down that money is not coming back, but be ready to be dragged about it to pay for essentials you cant do without.. she would pay eventually when you have curled away asking God why.. allow her have it, it’s one of her high moments.
14 – in your midnight cries, yes “midnight cries” is most times once a week or twice sha, depending on the days activities… dont disturb her sleep…
15 – be transparent, remove password from your phone, laptops etc… if she is being faithful, infidelity is not something you want attached to “cheating jobless old man”… you cant be broke and cheating, they dont work together..
16 – read, read, read… you have to pass her in something, current affairs, global happenings, worlds economy etc… it is an edge when you throw small small insults inside conversations “so you dont know kyari is dead” those are one of your few high moments..
17 – early morning gisting with her while she baths and makes up, makes her happy.. you can lend some money during those hours.. those are your bankable hours, if you want some extra cash, offer to drop her at work, that’s if it’s not your duty already oo..
18 – at all, at all, try to provide for fuel for generator, darkness and a man being in the house dont usually go together.. you might start having complex..
19 – always use your car weekends, thats if you have not sold hers and she is using yours. When you use your car weekends for functions not personal waka, she chips or outrightly buys fuel that you can manage during the week for your job hunting activities..
20 – look good, work out and have your CV handy. you need to look the role she currently tells people you are doing..” Frank is okay, he is inbetween jobs, but trying out some ideas with friends”.. if the friends ask for your CV, always have it handy, delay is dangerous…
21 – dont be gluttonous, eat moderately like a normal human being, if you finish your meals for the week by wednesday, be ready to fall back to your noodles (refer to rule 2) and yes you would come up with different flavours of home made seasonings only you can eat..
22 – try to curtail your mood swings, she is the only one entitled to it, you need to be happy with smiles when she is making conversations..
23 – make business calls or pretend to make business call.. it’s important, it gives her hope you are connecting.. “my brother me and you know say na 10k you dey shout like that for”
24 – go grocery shopping with her, you get to use the opportunity to throw drinks into the cart and remove face immediately, if your eyes jam.. you would return that drink ooo..
25 – if she sends you a link from work, read, watch or chat her to discuss with her, otherwise “what are you doing, that you didn’t reply my message follows” , what you were doing must have financial gains ooo never use “I was sleeping” as excuse… dont even try it..
26 – dont call her family, send text message if you can.. dont let them remember you ooo..
27 – during your few chances of sex, dont shoot in, “I repeat”, dont shoot in… you may find yourself outside by 1am looking for postinol 2
. the stress in looking for the drug would surpass whatever you managed to enjoy.
28 – be ready for “mistakes” of giving you cash in front of people , it’s not everytime she remembers to call you to the corner or give you her card.. it’s one of those moments you want the ground to swallow you up.. but my brother “dem no dey use shame swallow spit”.. it wont last forever.
Let’s me rest here first and continue later… but in all, I love my wife… she is that woman that has your back 100%..
The table has turned for me and am back to my responsibilities, it was a tough period, I learnt a lot, from Anger management to laws of power, it’s not a fun place to reside in for a long time….
Marry your friend,
marry your partner in crime,
Marry your day1 niga,
your Gee… when you do, no matter the circumstance, you have some level of peace, some room to pickup and some encouragement to guide you through.