For many children, the fathers they remember are often not the ones who simply paid the bills, but those who were always physically and emotionally present, Vanessa Obioha writes.
One of the most common excuses for an absent father is that he provides for his family. In many homes, paying the bills is seen as the ultimate measure of fatherhood, and a man who keeps food on the table is readily described as a good father.
But is provision enough?
If that were the case, fathers who leave this earthly plane before seeing their children grow up would hardly be missed, especially if they left behind a sizeable inheritance.
For accountant Ifeoma Emeliuwa, who lost her father at the age of eight, the memories they shared during those few years remain some of her most treasured possessions.
“I wish he were alive to have walked me down the aisle,” she said, recalling not only her wedding day three years ago but also the uncertainty that came with choosing a life partner.
“Even though my friends and family assured me that he was the right person for me, I felt that if my father had been alive, he would have helped clear any doubts.”
Coping with the grief of losing her father has not been easy, but the presence of other men who stepped into fatherly roles has helped ease the pain.
Lawyer Olayinka Jeremiah never truly understood what he had missed until he reunited with his father at the age of 15. His parents had separated when he was two, and he grew up without his father’s presence.
“There were uncles, but none could be called Daddy. I always felt bad when my peers talked about their fathers and what they did for them. In my case, it was always one uncle or another. Uncle and Daddy are not the same.”
Their reunion was far from smooth. There was anger and rejection at first, but over time, they built a relationship. “He is the first person I talk to every day,” he said with a smile. “I’m glad we were able to make amends.”
But for Dupe Coker, whose parents remained married, having a father at home did not necessarily mean having a present father.
“He was never there for us.”
By “there,” she meant emotionally and physically available.
“Once he provided our daily meals and managed to pay our school fees, that was it. He would leave home for days, and often return broke.”
Their experiences mirror the findings of researchers: a father’s presence plays a critical role more than financial support.
According to findings by the Fatherhood Project, engaged fathers help reduce behavioural problems in boys as well as delinquency and economic disadvantage in low-income families. For girls, active father involvement has been linked to lower rates of depression and psychological problems.
Psychology Today also reported that fatherless children are more likely to struggle with social adjustment, experience difficulties with friendships and display behavioural problems. Some develop intimidating personalities to mask fears, anxiety and unhappiness.
A child first encounters the world through the eyes of their parents. Through a father, they often learn whether the world is something to fear or to embrace.
If he greets strangers with kindness, the child learns that people can be trusted. If he treats workers, neighbours and those with less privilege with respect, the child learns that everyone deserves dignity. If he approaches challenges with courage, the child learns that difficulties are meant to be faced rather than feared. If he lives honestly and teaches his children to value truth, they learn that integrity is not negotiable. In countless small ways, a father’s conduct helps a child make sense of the world around them.
A father’s protection also goes beyond shielding a child from physical harm. It is the reassurance that someone will stand in their corner when life becomes overwhelming. Have you noticed how instinctively many children run to their fathers when they are frightened? That simple act speaks volumes about the security a father can provide. A child who knows that a father is in their corner often approaches life with greater confidence because they know they are not facing the world alone.
More so, a father’s presence does not end in childhood either. You can get children expensive gifts, but that can be quickly forgotten. They, however, rarely forget who showed up. The school play, the graduation, the football match, the wedding and countless ordinary moments become extraordinary simply because a father was there.
One of my favourite things to do on TikTok is watch videos of fathers and their children. Whether it is a father surprising his child during a lunch break at school, cheering on a daughter during a presentation or spending quality time with his son learning a new skill, the joy on the children’s faces is unmistakable.
Those videos are a reminder that involved fatherhood is neither old-fashioned nor extraordinary. It is happening every day, and its impact is evident.
These moments of bonding, learning and trust accumulate into indelible memories. They prove that a child needs a father who witnesses their becoming, someone they can rely on, someone who steadies them when they falter and cheers them on when they succeed. More importantly, they need someone who makes them feel deeply loved.
The good news is that fatherhood is a choice made every day. Men can choose to be present. They can choose to listen, to guide, to encourage and to love. Parents, too, can raise boys to understand that fatherhood is not measured solely by the money they earn but by the lives they shape.
